four months ago (Oct. 20, 2021)...
after an emotion filled fight with cancer…
my father passed away,
overlooking the beach in California.
he was a healthy, 76 years young, just-shy of 4,000 weeks.
—
the following words are from a journal i wrote…
as we danced a final dance, and i became my father’s end-of-life scribe.
Monday, September 27, 2021
—
today was a rough day dad.
i spent most of it restraining you,
as you spent all of it fighting to escape from the hospital with a view.—
we were eyeballs to eyeballs for hours…
you were angry with me.
you tried to fight me.
you even swung at me.—
we held hands between rounds,
& we joked about inside family humor.
you were charming…
you were nonsensical.
you were hell-bent on discharging yourself from the Oncology wing.—
i held you down firmly… but lovingly…
i massaged your legs,
i rubbed your feet,
i embraced your scar-studded back with my restorative hands.
you tolerated me.—
we talked about the Oilers & Earl Campbell…
you even made up a few names.
we made plans to escape through the window, grab a burger, & surf the Wedge.—
i made sure not to cry in front of you, Mert.
i didn’t want you to see just how gutted we all are.
these tears aren’t your ordinary tears dad.
they’re much deeper…
they’re more visceral…
they’re the authentic expression of a heart screaming out in despair.—
Kim, Brett, & Deanna have rallied hard,
and our extended, global family has reached out…
from South Africa, Houston, Israel, Australia, New Zealand, & all parts in between.—
and mom… your sweet angel… she’s been there by your side looking after you…
with a level of empathic attunement… a sure-footedness…
a commitment to your health & wellness… that leaves me speechless.
from an outcropping of Manhattan schist bedrock…
inside a deeply-rooted phalanx of trees…
i stand ready (in breath, body, & mind),
to move forward with open to change.
i hope you’ll join me…